Expecting your first child can be both exciting and unsettling. There’s so much to learn, do, prepare, and buy before you take on the single most important job you’ve ever had. Becoming a first time dad in 2020, when it feels like the whole planet could just fold in on itself at any given moment, is a different kind of unnerving. Thankfully, Chad Richardson is feeling optimistic and focused on the silver linings as he prepares to take on fatherhood in three short months.
Expecting your first child can be both exciting and unsettling. There’s so much to learn, do, prepare, and buy before you take on the single most important job you’ve ever had. Becoming a first time dad in 2020, when it feels like the whole planet could just fold in on itself at any given moment, is a different kind of unnerving. Thankfully, Chad Richardson is feeling optimistic and focused on the silver linings as he prepares to take on fatherhood in three short months.
Chad Richardson grew up in rural Wisconsin and gained plenty of experience with babies and small children as he was a teenager when two of his younger sisters were born. Now he lives with his wife Katie in their home outside of Boston, and in non-pandemic times, they both commute into the city for work. Chad and Katie also happen to be host Adam Flaherty's brother- and sister-in-law, and in three months, they’ll introduce a new little member into the family. While on vacation together recently, Chad and Adam retreated to the back porch to enjoy the scenic mountain vista, a cold pop, and a conversation about Chad’s hopes, fears, and dadhood goals. They broached topics including:
• Dad humor
• Having a baby during a worldwide pandemic
• How to handle visit requests when the baby is born
• The positives of working from home during the pregnancy
• Redirecting kid meltdowns and tantrums
• Threatening your child with consequences
• The different styles of dad-to-be resources
• Taking pride in teaching your kid life skills
• The importance of a coffee maker with a programmable timer
Before the conversation concludes, Chad commits to making himself available for a follow up conversation in the baby's first two weeks of life. Adam is excited to capture genuine and unadulterated brain fog, and the prospect of witnessing a full grown man be reduced to tears due to lack of sleep.
LINKS:
I’ll Tell You What! Podcast
Chad Richardson on Instagram
The Expectant Father
The New Dad's Survival Guide
Caspar Babypants
Red Vault Audio
Spencer Albee
Adam:
Hi, welcome to Modern Dadhood. It's an ongoing conversation about the joys, challenges and general insanity of being a dad in this moment. My name is Adam Flaherty. I'm a father of two daughters, six years old and three years old. And I'm on vacation with my family this week. So not going to hear Marc. I'm currently sitting on a porch of a house, the big open yard in front of me. beyond a line of trees, there is 180 degree canvas of the beautiful White Mountains of New Hampshire. My kids are in bed, my brother-in-law and I have retreated outside here to the porch to listen to the peepers and unwind with a beverage. Let's take a moment to enjoy the peepers.
Chad:
The sounds of nature. [sound of a beer can opening]
Adam:
That was a good one!
Chad:
Oh, that was good.
Adam:
So the guy sitting next to me is Chad Richardson, who sometimes I refer to as Chadwick, or Bad Chad.
Chad:
Uncle C.
Adam:
Uncle C to my girls.
Chad:
Sticko is one that your girls came up with?
Adam:
We've been said that one in a long time. Hanging Chad.
Chad:
Yeah, that one went out like about 12 years ago. It was six years outdated 12 years ago.
Adam:
Or "The Chad was Great," if you remember that reference.
Chad:
That was my quote in my high school yearbook my senior year, "Was it the Chad? No, the Chad was great. The Chad was awesome."
Adam:
Was that... I feel really dumb.
Chad:
Charlie's Angels. Tom Green was Chad.
Adam:
For some reason I was thinking was either Road Trip, or Freddy Got Fingered. But that wouldn't make sense because he was Freddy. So Chad is a Senior Leadership Development Director, I guess I didn't realize that you were so important.
Chad:
It sounds more important than it really is.
Adam:
And a big part of your job is organizing huge events. Back when those were a thing.
Chad:
We used to gather a lot of people together in a small room. Can't do that anymore.
Adam:
Chad also happens to be one third of the hosts of your own podcast called "I'll Tell You What." Do you want to give the elevator pitch for? I'll Tell You What, we've mentioned it on the show before, but hearing it from Chad himself is going to be a lot more meaningful.
Chad:
Yeah, I'm part of I'll Tell You What, it's a conversational podcast. Our tagline is "your weekly dose of uninformed analysis." We've been on a summer hiatus for a bit but coming back with some fresh episodes here in season three, and it's really three great friends who pick on each other, have the conversations that you have with close friends. And also if you're looking to just burn some time because you don't want to think about things you're not gonna walk away from I'll Tell you What knowing more.. It's different than Modern Dadhood. Modern Dadhood is quality. I'll Tell You What is quantity.
Adam:
I know that people can find I'll Tell You What on Spotify, where else can people find it?
Chad:
Spotify, Google Podcasts, Apple Podcasts, essentially the main three, like if you're tied into whatever your phone comes with, we got you covered. And then Spotify covers everybody else.
Adam:
Chad's been married to my sister-in-law Kate for coming up on two years. And a good evening to you, sir.
Chad:
Thanks for having me.
Adam:
There's something else pretty big happening in your life right now. Maybe it would be appropriate for you to share?
Chad:
Oh, like a reason why I might be on the Modern Dadhood podcast?
Adam:
Yeah man, spill the news!
Chad:
Well, my wife and I are expecting our first child in November.
Adam:
Yeah, that's huge news for our family. And everybody's just so totally excited about it.
Chad:
So much of the reaction from my co workers and just like the people I've been able to share it with are like, "Wow, you're gonna be a good dad." And mostly it's because of my dad fashion like I'm coming in already. Got the LL Bean flannel line pants. Already a fan of the Chuck Taylors. People legitimately are like that baby's gonna be rockin' Chuck Taylors. Just like the dad jokes I've been practicing for the better part of three decades.
Adam:
Yeah, you've got the humor part down to a science. So I'm not worried about that. Now we're recording in mid August 2020. So the baby's due in about three months-ish, about that. And then you're going to be a dad, man. How does that feel?
Chad:
It's exciting. I go through waves. But I'm excited. Excited is always there. And then like, time is crazy right now. Like we've gone like, week to week and we're counting it down or watching the like, "What to Expect" videos that so many people I think have also watched through this. And what may seem like three days is actually two weeks have gone by and we're watching new videos and it's just... time is slipping away. So weird these days.
Adam:
Yeah, it's a very, very bizarre time. You and Kate will have this baby... I keep hearing the word "unprecedented" like every day and I'm starting to really hate it, but you're gonna have a baby during a really unprecedented time in our lives. Something we've never experienced before. That must be pretty unsettling in some ways.
Chad:
It has been, especially in the first couple of weeks it was nerve wracking to find out that like jobs were changing. You had to stay at home all commutes were non existent. And we were pregnant with the child like trying to figure all that out when all of this not only like world changing, but also medically world changing stuff was taking place and so much unfolded at the same time that like for us, they're intertwined, the pregnancy and the like, fall into the pandemic. And so much we can't tease them apart either, the the nerves of finding out that you're a parent, the excitement. Mid March was an interesting time because that's when the world changed. We started working from home, the scale of what the pandemic was going to be started to come to light. And then one weekend to working from home, we found out that my wife is pregnant and our family was gonna be expanding. So for us, the stay at home orders, the pandemic, the being pregnant have all been tied together in our experience. And the first couple of weeks. That was a stressful experience. But we've definitely been able to realize the silver linings of being able to spend so much time together as a family during this very special time. If it was a different time and we were going through this together, it would have been a different experience. So we really try and hold on to those blessings of the experience as well.
Adam:
Yeah, we've been doing that too. Just really trying to focus on the silver linings and the positives that we can find in such a terrible time. How are some of the ways that your experience would be different going through this pregnancy in the normal world?
Chad:
In a normal world, we would have been in different places during the work day, and my wife would have had an hour plus commute to get to work, right. And the first trimester, she definitely had some of the morning sickness experience. She didn't have to do that at the office, she could like fake her way through Zoom call and then spend time in the bathroom or lay down in her own bed instead of trying to fake it through an office where people didn't know quite yet because we were waiting for our own time to communicate. So that was nice. And then also just small things of like we could have lunch together in the middle of the day, I could get dinner going and I was able to be a support in a different way than I think if we had been in different physical spaces both had commutes. Coming home and being stressed from the day at work and then trying to like engage with each other I think it would have been a different experience instead of like, okay, we're done with work, let's go for a walk.
Adam:
Yeah, I mean, engaging with each other is one thing and just being able to talk about, you know, planning for having a baby and being excited about it. But also, sometimes when you're working an 8-5 or a 9-5, and you add the commute, there's literally not enough hours in the day to do all the things that you need to do before the baby comes. Like, create the baby's room, in a place where the baby's going to sleep, you know? What do you think about after the baby comes, you know, everybody wants to come visit and see the baby and hold the baby. What are you guys thinking about about that stuff in terms of safety?
Chad:
We are trying to like stay up to date with the local guidelines and looking to the medical experts for some guidance on things and also wanting to play cautious with that. So we're excited for the point that like people are able to meet our baby. But we'd much rather do that at three or six months when we can trust that things are going to be a safe environment than trying to risk it too early. And that's really tough because I think both my wife and I are people who rely on our community of people for emotional support, and we've experienced that here on vacation, sharing physical space with people rejuvenates your energy in a way.
Adam:
So we've been lucky that with our girls, we live in a neighborhood where we've got neighbors who we socialize with from a safe distance and, you know, have been able to open up our social circles very cautiously. Like a little bit. And we still keep our distance, and it's nice to be able to have interaction with people who we like, but I can't imagine being in your shoes, where you're outside of Boston. You know, you have friends in the area, but you're not in the same type of neighborhood where you really personally know the people who are around you and could just come together and sort of even, sitting across a fire pit or something socialize. So it's got to be really tough. What do you think you're most excited for? I don't I don't mean in just having a newborn, but like, long term, what excites you about having a child?
Chad:
It's interesting because I think so much of being a parent is based on your experience with your parents, and what you like or didn't like, or like, hindsight allowed you to realize things that were important to you or whatnot. And so trying to tease out some of those things and how I want to approach conversations and essentially steal some of the best practices or do the things that my parents did that I really appreciate or avoid the missteps that I may have have gripes with. So as we've been going through our conversations lately, it's kind of like thinking about the future.We're fortunate that with you and your girls, were able to be here as part of it and have some of those conversations or see you and Sarah approach that too. And, yeah, we're excited to have a similar philosophy to what you all are doing and to be able to just have community around us of people that are in similar phases and can help bounce off like, how do you help redirect a child's like energy when they're melting down, or they're trying to express their emotions, but they don't have the vocabulary for it?
Adam:
Yeah. And you've been part of our family... my older daughter is six and a half now. And I think she was one one and a half...
Chad:
Yeah, a little toddler, around one and a half when I met her for the first time. Katie and I babysat for her one point in time when she was just like, toddling around, still wearing diapers, opening bathroom doors, and such that she's still doing and has done on this vacation many times.
Adam:
So you've been in their family for as long as they've been around. And you've seen on his vacation, we're coming coming towards the end of a week together. And we've done this for the last several years, that we haven't mastered how to redirect those crazy swings and meltdowns. Every time it's different. And there's lots of different variables that contribute to how we might react to it each time.
Chad:
But what I will say is, you and Sarah are very intentional with the way that you react to their reactions. And that's something that I admire about watching how you interact. You two are purposeful, and because... your girls are smart, but sometimes they're smart asses.
Adam:
Oh, yeah.
Chad:
And so very often, like I've had to turn away and laugh because as the outside observer, that's not my kid. That's my niece, dropping like wicked lines on Adam or Sarah, who I'm a friend close enough that like when they get burned, I think it's hilarious but also I don't want to break face in front of your girls so that they realize how funny they are because I know it's it's like,
Adam:
Yeah, you don't want to encourage that.
Chad:
It's hilarious, and so like realizing how you're both good at pausing, choosing your next step. And then every once in a while it's like, "DESSERT IS GONE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" You have crossed the line. And then like, also then watching you walk that back
Adam:
from my perspective, oh my gosh, I'm not proud of it, but like, we have to threaten them a lot just because they're they are in this phase where they are just having so much trouble listening and following directions that we resort to threatening them with taking something away. And a lot of times the things that we're threatening to take away are the things that we you depend on for like a little bit of respite, you know, like a TV show or something. Which, it's nice to be able to put something on when it's been a really crazy day and lik they need a little downtime, and we need a little downtime. But when they're misbehaving, that's the first thing that pops into your head to like threaten them with because they love being able to watch your show. And we do the same thing to that you said like, when they say something totally ridiculous, or like sarcastic. Sometimes we look at each other and have to try really hard not to laugh, because you don't want to encourage the behavior. But sometimes it's just so funny. Yeah. So I know that you haven't been able to attend the doctor's appointments with the OB/GYN. And for me, that was a really exciting thing to do, you know, to hear the heartbeat and have that that moment of excitement in person, obviously, because of the virus.
Chad:
There are limitations on you being able to go places. Most of the like the first pulmonary things we've done a mixture of video calls, which I've been there, or Katie's home. I waited out in the parking lot for the first sonogram, blood work and they condensed a lot of stuff together. But for the 20 week sonogram, I was able to go in because of just where that was located in the building that it was taking place in had different protocols in the larger facility, so I was able to be there for the 20 week and I was able to see the ultrasound, scan over baby's face, I was able to see vertebrae, and it was such a moment of like... sitting there watching is almost like you can change the settings on your phone or your camera? I want to change the setting in my mind to like, record in like high def, all of what I was seeing. And take it all in because it was the first experience that I had had in a doctor's office to help make this as real as possible.
Adam:
Unless things take a major turn for the worst with the virus, you will be able to be in the delivery room.
Chad:
Yep.
Adam:
I can't imagine what it would be like to not be allowed to...
Chad:
And I hope it doesn't get to that point and but like at the same time I try to keep the level head of like, if regulations are in place that that is a situation, it means that the world is in a serious enough place that they're making those kinds of calls. And the health and safety of my wife and child are the number one priorities. Like my experience, I want to I want to be present, I want to be aware, but that doesn't even hold a candle to the flame of just the health and safety of what they are. Don't get me wrong. I want to be in the "room where it happens, the room where it happens" when the baby is born, but I want to respect that the health and safety directions of the hospital as well.
Adam:
What you just did, there was like kind of a classic dad joke. Classic dad humor.
Chad:
Yes. I'm like, I got this. I'm sitting on it. I'm gonna force it in here.
Adam:
Well, thank you for not letting the opportunity go. Are there any books or resources or courses or videos or anything that you've been really digging into, and, you know, finding particularly useful?
Chad:
So there's been a couple of books and like, it's interesting because for my wife, there's a ton of like, books that are out there. The one that I've been like leaning into is The Expectant Father in its fourth edition that was published in 2015. I do have another book that's a little bit more like hipster cartoony. And they match each other on essentially, like the advice, that they're going through the stages of development.
Adam:
Is that the one that I gave you, The New Dad Survival Guide?
Chad:
No, that's yet a different one too. So I do have a small library of them that I've been reading through. The Expectant Father I really liked, it does seem like more of an academic read. Because it does have a lot of references to research studies and things like that. But I feel like I can trust a little bit more when when in the writing it says bro, or like, dude.
Adam:
Yeah.
Chad:
I'm like, I get it, but also I'm not like this Neanderthal dad dude. Don't get me wrong, I'm a characature of so many things. But I'm an intelligent person. I want to be intentional as a father and I don't want to just fumble through this experience, I want to be present and I want to be involved. And I want to help shape and co-raise my child. I don't want to be like just the "dude" who shows up every now and then, right? I want to take the work seriously take myself not too seriously as a dad.
Adam:
I think that's a good approach. And honestly, I think some of those books are, you know, they're just sort of a novelty thing like a gift to give somebody that's like...
Chad:
Like the "over the hill 40" stuff that you'd buy at Spencer's gifts.
Adam:
The chuckle that you get opening that gift is just as important as any of the content. More important, you know, it's really just for the entertainment value of giving and receiving that gift, I think. So you mentioned being influenced by your own upbringing, your relationships with your parents, which is something that Marc and I talked about a lot on the show. I've met both of your parents at your wedding. How do you think that your relationship with your parents individually will impact who you are as a father?
Chad:
It's interesting because like, I've been doing a lot of reflecting around this recently, especially, like, once we found out that we're going to be parents, like, so much of that comes into reflection space. But my parents were in a much different like, phase in life and it even correlates to the book I'm reading like, I'm 33 I'm gonna be 33 when my child is born. My mom was 18. My dad was 23 when I was born, so they were in a much different phase. And I was a surprise baby. Being able to make choices is something that is different versus, trying to be resourceful and figure things out. But then looking back things that stand out to me is, I know my mom figured out work situations to do what it took to make sure that my sister and I had what we needed to. And then there's very particular lessons I learned from my dad. Like when it came to like mechanical things. I learned how to like change a tire, change the oil in the car. Because like, he showed me the steps to go through, guided me through. Let me hold the wrench and stuff, to the point where I got confident enough in understanding what was going on. And that said that, when I look back on those moments, he taught me so much about how things work. I feel like as a parent, you can do something and half an hour or you can include your child and it's gonna take an hour and a half. My dad often times leaned into "let's do the hour and a half, you're gonna learn how to do this." So then in the future, you know how to do it and I feel very comfortable and confident when it comes to physical engineering sort of stuff. Because I was exposed to it and trusted to do things and when it didn't work, I was also trusted to figure my way out of it too.
Adam:
Yeah. My dad didn't do a lot of that with me. I mean, he was is an awesome dad,
Chad:
I've had the benefit of meeting him multiple times.
Adam:
Yeah, but he, you know, there wasn't a lot of that. Like, I didn't learn how to change oil, you know, change a tire. I've learned some of that stuff since, but like, buying a house has forced me to learn how to do a lot of stuff by watching YouTube videos. You know, there's other ways you can get that, that experience. And but part of me is like, you know, it would have been good to get some of those basic skills growing up. So in some ways, I think you're lucky that you know, you were underneath the car learning how to change the oil at 10 years old, 11 years old. I think that getting that experience growing up will probably be something that you share with your kids.
Chad:
That's my hope. Yeah. And so much of this is going to depend on just the interest of my child too. And I think trying to tow the line of like, how do you expose a child to something so they can figure out if they're interested in it or kind of forcing it down their throat and all that. So trying to figure things out. My parents did a great job when I was a kid... I was in dance class, I was in karate classes. I was like, showing animals at county fairs. I was doing all sorts of stuff. So they did a great job of exposing me to a bunch of things so I could figure out what I was passionate about and what I wanted to pursue as I went through the transition into an adult and really was able to figure out where I'm going to invest my time.
Adam:
Is there anything that, pandemic aside, that you're particularly scared about or feel unsure about or unprepared for?
Chad:
I feel like we're lucky. I'm the oldest of five. So and some a couple of my sisters came up when I was like a teenager. So my sister Destiny was born with us. 13 and my sister Maria was born. I was 18. So I had experience with them as babies, I've changed diapers, I've put kids in car seats and stuff. So I'm not worried about some of that stuff, I think is intimidating for some first time dads. We're fortunate that a lot of our friends and family have gone through raising kids recently. And I feel like there's a difference with first time parents and second time parents. We're like, super cautious. And all this second time parents know kids bounce. And like, when they fall, they're not broken and all these things. So my desire is that we shoot for like... we want to have a 1.5 child mentality with our first child. Like, we want to like not put them in risk of bodily harm, but we want to give them enough space to fall down, or go through the phases without hovering too much. We'll see how that works when they're actually here.
Adam:
And that's a great philosophy going into it with all that context you know, hopefully you can follow through on that. Is there anything that you can think of right in this moment that you would say to future Chad, who is a father of a one week old infant, and is up most hours of the night, just trying to stay sane?
Chad:
Some of those live events that I used to work, we didn't have appropriate staffing and time management. So there was a couple years where like, for this week, week and a half long conference, I was getting one to two hours of sleep at night and then like running a conference for 1000 people. And so in that, my body shifted into a different kind of sleep that I feel like my body might return to for this. It's like, very light level and typically it takes me a while to fall asleep and then go into a deep sleep and stuff. But for that period of time, it would be very like, I'd fall asleep right away. And then I'd wake up, my mind would be racing. I feel like I'm going to revisit some of that. And it's physically tolling, but then also, the way I drink my coffee now is pour over. So it's like very hipster-esque in the method. But I usually drink Maxwell House, coffee or Folgers... like, very consumer friendly coffee that's in it. But through conversations with you and seeing how you utilize your coffee maker with a timer, I'm going to move away from boiling a pot of water, pouring it over the individual cup to purchasing a coffee maker that I can set the time, like it's gonna brew a pot of coffee at five o'clock or whatever it is. It's ready to go. I'm probably gonna keep some in the like fridge to that's just like iced coffe. It's like whatever, if I'm going to be up for an hour... yeah, let's drink something. So I typically run on caffeine as it is. I think that's going to pick back up. But also, I'm excited to be doing that for the purpose of being a father with my child. Like, that seems so motivating compared to some of like work experiences or younger age like party inspirations that I had for lack of sleep. Come on, like, this is my child. I'm so stoked to be holding my child that I've created with my partner who I love unconditionally and so deeply and we're in this incredible partnership. And like, this baby is the manifestation of our love and commitment to each other, coming to life? Like, holy cow.
Adam:
Yeah. Well, I think you've just scored some brownie points on that one. So well done! So, I've had this vision since long before you and Katie were pregnant that one day when you had a newborn... I think I've told you about this, that I wanted to come down to your house and pull an all nighter. And every time you got up with the baby, I would start recording. And, you know, those first few weeks especially can be so challenging. So trying. And I remember just feeling, in my own experience, like I was just totally delirious and exhausted. And I've always thought that it would be really interesting to try to capture some of that with you. Would you be cool with doing something like that?
Chad:
Ideal wise, yes. Let's see where the pendemic's at.
Adam:
Sure. That's fair.
Chad:
And, like, I'm also a podcaster. So like, if we can't do the you and me in the same room? I'm just imagining the idea of like, you sleeping and then me calling you and say let's hop on the Zoom. I've got the baby now.
Adam:
I'm down.
Chad:
It's like, an interesting idea. But whatever it takes, especially If there's lessons to be learned. I feel like the way that you two have positioned your podcast, there's nuggets to walk away from this, that maybe you do take a lesson. On my podcast, we don't do that. People may be able to learn that if through my processing that in like, taking coaching with you, somebody can gain something... Hell yeah! Let's do that. Let's share resources with the other dads out there.
Adam:
All right, man. Well, you're committed now, no backing down. Listeners, this is not the last you'll hear of Mr. Chad Richardson. Chad, thanks for the conversation. You know that will support you in any way we can. We're so psyched for you. Our family is so excited. My girls can't wait to have a new baby cousin. And you guys will just be awesome, awesome parents. Thanks for doing Modern Dadhood.
Chad:
Thank you so much. We're excited to be able to pick your brains on stuff too, because It makes sense on paper but I realized raising a kid isn't on paper it's in real life.
Adam:
The wisdom of a dad to be. Dads you can find Modern Dadhood on Apple podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify Pocketcasts, wherever you like to listen as well as Moderndadhood.com We always appreciate it when you take a moment to give us a quick rating and a review on Apple or like or a share on Facebook or Instagram. We would invite you to email us anytime at HEY@moderndadhood.com. We want to send a big thanks to Caspar Babypants and Spencer Albee for the music you hear in Modern Dadhood, and to Pete Morse at Red Vault Audio for always making a sound awesome. And also...
Marc
Adam.
Adam:
huh?
Marc:
Adam.
Adam:
Marc, is that you?
Marc:
Yeah, it's me.
Adam:
What are you... what are you doing here?
Marc:
I'm not technically here. I'm a figment of your imagination.
Adam:
Man, what a relief. I've missed you.
Marc:
I know... I know.
Adam:
It's been a weird doing this without you.
Marc:
Don't worry. I don't feel betrayed.
Adam:
Phew. Well thank you for saying that. Do you wanna close us out?
Marc:
Absolutley. And thank you, as always, to you moms and dads listening.
Adam:
Thank you, dads and moms.